not today

So... I've written a lot tonight... Many much needed topics, but most unfinished.

The initial thought for tonight was that idk how much more I can do this. Some days I forget about you, when I get real busy. Which takes me back to previous feelings that I had felt. Honestly I feel one-sided here. I feel like I'm carrying this on. I don't want to force this if it's just not there. I can't go off of just a feeling, and I know that we're so far apart but really I just feel like I've wanted this so much for a while that I keep fooling myself thinking that you want it too. I understand you have other things to think about, you're right, we're at different areas of our lives. It's nice that you've somewhat reciprocated the feelings. But I feel like I'm constantly thinking of ways to keep this going. Conversations, ideas, I've put some out there but you just haven't taken it. Which makes me kind of open my eyes to the fact that: I always dreamed that I would be chased. That he would be taken in by me, that he would be doing things for me. I guess I'm secretly a realistic romantic? I mean gosh I don't want it over the top but I need to know that you want it too. I'm not feeling that from you. It's like you're ok with how this is going. I can't do it. I can't be the mastermind at conquering you. You should be conquering me. Anyway... I'm sorry, but when I tell my kids how we came about to be I can't picture myself saying well I wanted it for a while until he finally came around and well then because we were so far away I went to see him and I wrote him letters and I blogged for him at times, and I skyped him once, and I called him. Really?? Does that sound impressive to you?? It sounds lame and I feel I deserve better. maybe someday, it'll work out but not today