crucify me insincere..

if you wait until you have time to write you'll never get anything written. it's too true of a quote. so here i am and slowly being distracted by all of the great stuff to look at and find on the internet. i've done nothing buy study and work and really it's only been work all summer pretty much. I need to get into motion for next years plans. does anyone ever know what they want? what they're meant to do in life? i wonder if there are people out there that wonder as much as i do about everything. The most recurring thoughts and questions that i have are about my relationships, where they'll be in the future. who will be my other half. and will i be doing my dream job... by the way what IS my dream job. too many questions and quite a lack of answers. sometimes it feels i need to get away from everything and everyone known. get away from it all and, after years have gone by, come back. i wonder on how many people if any will attend my funeral. i wonder on how much simpler life would be without life. i wonder if given the choice between your spouse or your sibling which one you'd choose. i already know one answer, what would his be?... sadly i think i already do and its sad to face that reality. most say that blood is thicker than anything else but in his case i don't think it is. i've decorated my room for once because for at least a year i will be living back at home. so i might as well make it something i like living in. first thing to go will be that horrible frame above my bed... as soon as i find the picture to replace it, it's gone. i want to travel but school hinders me. i wish i was light years away from where i am now. when i think of him so many thoughts and feelings cross through, and i wonder if it was only me and him. life would not be worth living. not because he's not worth it but only because i don't want to hurt over him anymore. i hate him for the hold he has on me. i want to hurt him as bad as he hurts me, but the love i have for him won't allow me to. so instead i deal with myself. as i try to understand why i have so many strong feelings about him i think it's just a pile of things. the most recent though i guess from my conclusions is that i feel deceived, almost rejected from someone i thought would never do that. i love music... mainly i think because of all the power it has to affect and touch people in unthinkable and unpredictable ways. not for the negative but for the better. lately i feel like i go from coming out of one tunnel to just go into the next. when will this end. it seems death is inching its way closer and closer to me. and each time i hear of the next one, i pray its me next. is that a sin. i don't know. if it is i hope these thoughts subside soon. if its not then i guess i hope life gets better. i keep living because He wills me to keep living the truth of the matter is that i know there's a purpose as to why i'm still around... so i keep trudging along. when you have more good people than bad surrounding you it makes life a lot easier and worth living for. i don't want to sound morbid. but it's the truth and i guess it's about time i write it and let it all out. i feel like it eats me alive. i wonder how he would react if i had been the first. i wonder how the coping would have been. that's not how it happened. and until that day comes when it's me he'll be untouched. off to bed. sweet dreams. happy sabbath.